A week in the life of an iPhone

OK so last week i got myself an iPhone and from the Monday i wrote a note on it. It was just what ever was in my head at the time so its not edited or even very well wrote but there again i didn't do very well at English at school, if it makes sense then i hope you like if not I'm sure the world wont end and we can all go on and live our lives like nothing has happened.

On Sunday i saw a show at the Frog and Bucket in Manchester its a comedy club I've been to many times before but this time its a comedian I've never seen or watched any of his stuff from the last few years. I've known about him and Can remember a show he done with Stuart Lee in the mid 90's that i liked but was to young to enjoy. the man in question is Richard Herring and the show was 'The Headmaster's Son' you can find more out at www.richardherring.com and the show was about how Richard wants to blame his dad for the person he has become today and in his own words not mine

"a bit of a twat"

You see Richard's dad was the headmaster at his school and there for Richard blames his dad for him not being able to have a social life maybe other kids his age had because his dad was also the headmaster. At the end of the show and by this time i was crying a little bit through laughing to hard Richard leaves me with the single biggest grin I've had in a long long time. You see to wrap up the show Richard seems to realise it wasn't his dad that has made him the person he is today he would of always ended up there no matter who or what his dad was! It's nature not nerture as Richard puts it.

Now I've not got to my iPhone bit yet have i? well this is where it comes in. Richard Herring has a daily blog and has done for about 5 years now. He does it or should i say started it to try and counter act writers block and would do half an hours worth of blogging about the previous day. Well...this gave me an idea as i too want to be a comedian and writer even if I'm not the best writer i do have lots of idea's and if i can just get them down on paper or laptop as it is i can then maybe and that's a big maybe get to sit down with script writer's and start a sitcom and have better stuff to perform on stage with. Well i don't do exactly what Herring does i just don't have that much going on but for the last week i did write a little note each day with what i was thinking so I'll copy and paste them here and hope they are funny or at the very least interesting enough to past the day by if your board or in work which is the same thing to me.

MONDAY-I think I'm in love with a man and I hate a woman.

Rich herring I love, Emma I hate!
It's been a while since I last saw Chris he now looks like tony Blaire 
and plays basket ball, OK he's only been playing for a week but one 
thing hasn't changed and that's the fact he still drains the life and 
soul out of any person in ear shot. I left the pub early just so I 
wouldn't trip down the stairs on purpose to get his dreary mono toned 
voice out of my head.(lets get this right i don't like Chris that much he is a nice guy just mind numbing)

TUESDAY-Where's Franky Boyle when you need him?

We and when I say we I mean we the nation have lost the blow job 
giving bald racist Mrs jade goody. In one sense we don't have to put 
up with bad cancer jokes...GOODY!!! Or having to wait until she does 
drop but in another sense we won't get to hear some real good ones. 
That's is where Franky(find real name)Boyle comes in. He tells sick 
and a lot of the time damn right offencive jokes in his dead pan manor 
and always makes it funny and that's what we need in this war torn, 
money less, Austrian cellar, evil world. Why should we sit there 
crying into our hands over the death of jade goody when many many 
other people died on the same day and in the same weeks jade was 
dieing? They didn't have millions supporting them with loved ones 
taking there turn to look over the ill and still having to work or go 
shopping.

Cancer is a horrid condition and one I wish to never see again it 
turns loved ones into people you no longer know and puts massive 
strain on all the people around to poor basted with it.

So when someone says "isn't it ironic jade goody started to look like 
an egg and now she's in a box for Easter" don't get pissed off laugh 
and make damn sure sure nothing in this life gets you down. Lives too 
short people say, I say damn right!!!(a little rant, sorry)

WEDNESDAY-The only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head........or 

make it work for Tesco.(to think this is the only thing that entered my head on Wednesday)

THURSDAY-A glimmer of hope.

Today walking to the bus stop I missed the bus and had to leg it 
waving my arms like someone pretending to drown down the street and as 
the bus floated by I thought SHIT! But then it stopped it stopped for 
me it was a regular driver who I'd got to know over the last 2 years 
getting the bus to work and it was that small gesture that had made my 
day all ready and it was only 6:45am

Fast forward half an hour.

Now I'm in work and got a manager that' only happiness in life is 
misery and causing the people around her as much as she can, we also 
has a mardy bum driver and these 2 make a right pair together I'm now 
sat waiting in the back waiting for this "circle of depression" to 
swallow me whole. Let's hope I can find a joke in the smallest of 
things to keep me from depressed ville.

Will Wycliffe jean and Dwayne "the rock" Johnson's it doesn't matter 
help? Let's see.(turned out driver was cool)

FRIDAY-I can remember that august afternoon well.

Laura and i had just started seeing each other that day and i went 
round to her house. we started kissing on the sofa it wasn't a very 
nice kiss as I tell her some years after "her mouth was too wide" and 
"it was like kissing a fish" something we soon got over and now when 
we kiss it's like the earth stands still. Well there we are on the 
sofa fishing I mean kissing! And her mum walks in. I thought now 
what's going on her am I going to gang rapped by a mother daughter combo?

No! No I wasn't it turns out she has just got in from work, she was 
very sweet probably asked if I wanted something to eat...... Why do 
people do that? Soon as a fat person comes to there house they offer 
them food! And politely chubs says no thanks to make it look like your 
not so fat! Well there not blind they know you eat so say yes! I do! 
My grand Irish and if any of you know an Irish person they always want 
to feed you! She even rings my aunts to tell them I've been round and 
I've had some food!(I've kept the fish bit in even though I've had a telling off over it)

SATURDAY-Saturday shopping,

I don't know what it is with girls but they need new, no matter what 
the occasion new dress, new top, new bag. They have plenty of these 
items at home but it's that part of the brain only women have and 
that's the 'I must match' part.

Today though it's shoes we are looking for destination 
Angle(Islinton) north London and even though it's not particular busy 
I still have the urge to punch the slow moving parent with buggy in 
front if me.

We head into shop after shop until we hit next and there's a 2 day 
sale on! My god do my girlfriends eyes twinkle at the sight if a big 
red circle with the word sale wrote on it. She finds some shoes but 
forgets what size feet she has! How on earth can you not be the same 
size as last time??? So 4 pairs later she decided they don't fit 
because 5 are to small but 6 are too big, Que more shops and a drink 
at the slug even after the slug on our way to vue cinema we have to 
hit shops we didn't go in.

Cinema in London is a rip it's cost £19.50 just for tickets but at 
least the film was good and considering I hate Nick cage films Knowing 
was good and by the time you figure what's going to happen they chuck a 
twist in there that only the papers cab spoil now as they try not to 
give it away but also do by naming a key part to the final 20 Min's or 
so of the film.(couldn't they just of shut it down for me and Laura to shop. do they not know who we are?)

SUNDAY-Country western music.

I love the lyrics of country songs you can just put an accent on and 
talk about your woes

Eg. One more margarita was a bad idea
I got pissed up and shagged a dear.

In the car to London on Friday I spent 2 hours with a massive grin 
just because of these songs. To think just an hour before this we had 
Lenard Skynard and pink Floyd pumping though the cars speakers.

It's now the ride home and already we have had the country, Katie 
Perry and usher a dream team right there. We are now on a golden 
oldies CD Elton, midnight runners and others I don't know as they all 
ore date me. We are not even on the M6 yet so Twitter and facebook has 
been my companion in the back seat with one murry mint and a copy of 
the daily (labour bashers) mail.

But home is just 2 hours away I'd say so I might write a blog have an 
hour on the xbox and go bed. With work in the morning I don't think a 
late night will do me any good as a feel like I've not had any sleep 
with Being drunk for the last few nights.(long ass drive home with that playing where would you rather be?)

I didnt want it to be like this!!!

Its true I didn’t! I didn’t want to start my first blog on a rant but today started badly and didn’t get better.

Ok so this morning I wake up at 3am sweating and unable to breath because the heat in my house was intolerable. I’m not due to get up a good few hours for work so I head downstairs where my aunt and uncle lay asleep to turn the heating off. You see my aunt and uncle are from warmer climates than my self…Old Trafford! And down here in what can only be described as a chav hamlet they cannot cope with the sub zero temperatures and resort to killing of any chance of a draft or cold spot in the house with 30c heat all day everyday. I might sound ungrateful as they only charge penny’s to stay with them and she cooks my tea nearly every night but you imagine trying to sleep in a slow cooker with your excess fat dripping off you like your being Gorge Forman’d!

I find my phone with 3 text’s one was a real txt a friend replying to an earlier txt from me the other two are from my mate that must have been in the pub and txt me an inside joke of which I’m in so that lightens the mood as I txt back hoping to wake them at 3:30am only to discover one of them may still be awake, his feckin girlfriend is still online my rude awakening maybe ruined nooooooooooooooo!

Anyways I chat for a while with my dad on facebook a place no parent should be and if they are they shouldn’t be friends with there offspring or stalk there cute friends. Finally its now cool enough to sleep so sleep I go(them two are probably frozen by now)

I wake at 7am I feel good now this doesn’t happen on a Tuesday I always go to the pub on a Monday night and get tipsy if not drunk so I am always a tad hung-over not sick and bad head hung-over just 10 more minuets in bed hung-over well that’s what I say when I’m being woken by my alarm right up until its to late to even get clean uniform. Considering I had the broken sleep I am in a good mood even to the point where I want to go into work even though I hate Tuesdays to a point I want to sacrifice an O.A.P. Maybe I should tell you what I do Monday - Friday during the days. I work for Tesco a super market chain that has no problem in fuckin’ anyone over to get what it wants and now with the recession Tesco are cutting back on staff hours and the like so here I go yet one more 9 hour shift stood on the till of doom.

I do get lots of material off of our customers though and we do have some great character’s that come through them door’s that make me feel like a Jedi. For example today within half an hour of being there and old man saw that I was having trouble with some bags and couldn’t separate them he leans over the counter a yells “your not pulling it right!” I’m not being funny but the last thing I need is pulling techniques of a 80 year old man who cannot stand up straight on his own, maybe that’s how he ended up looking like he’s trying to blow him self off??? I don’t know I’m just guessing. I then get an old lady(you‘ll see the pattern of O.A.P‘s) from the retirement home talking to her self in the queue of her and only her. She’s taking into her purse saying things like”oooh I don’t know if I have any money” and “I would like some cheese” odd I know, then she looks right at me dead in the eye’s and say’s “what happens if I don’t have any money for this” so I said “you can‘t have it can you!” I get the death look and she shuffle’s up to me with a purse full of old dirty 1’s and 2’s and pay’s me with them a whole £4.99 worth!.

I wrote them 2 down because I have a crap memory for things like that and a lady saw me writing and asked what I was jotting on my peace of receipt paper and I reply “joke’s” jokes that come into my head and normally leave as fast as they come but I’m writing them down now so I can get some stand up material I said to her “these bits of paper with my jokes on will be worth thousands one day(in Zimbabwe)” and she let out a HAH not a well done you HAH it was don’t be so fucking stupid HAH like I’m only ever going to grace till 4 for the rest of my days on this spinning rock we call home.

The rest of the day passes by with a string of arsey customers until there was a beep not just small beep but a BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP it was all kicking off in Ashton on Mersey village a car was in the way and didn’t want to reverse oh no he even got out of his car gave an almighty tut like he had been given lessons from Mr Platt in Coronation street and as quick as it escalated into the worse row Ashton had ever seen it was over. You see Ashton is a place where feck all happens and the population of over 70 year old the only bit of fun you may see is the odd road rage and there’s no better road rage than middle class road rage it’s like nothing has happened but in everyone’s face you can see the blood boiling. Where I come from your likely to get a smack just for walking past someone’s car but not in sunny sale oh no not even a raised voice.

But of my 7 or so years I’ve been in sale nothing has reached to height of the night a taxi driver chased his middle class fare a round his cab with a knife while his fare was on the phone to the police with him shouting things like “this taxi man person is not the nicest of chap‘s” hahaha only in sale.

Anyways after work I head over to the bus stop and await my bus as you do. The last bus into Partington is 6:15ish and I’ve come to the conclusion that the early end to the buses is just like a curfew a cheap alternative to electronically tagging every Partonian and keeping them in the baron wastes of Partington an inaccessible town without means of transport and 5-6 mile away from any other town worthy of a shop non the less a bar! The people who escape at night time is either by walking or stolen car and in any case the one who walked are too tired and the one who stole car’s a too preoccupied with the police anyway to even bother committing any crime so the curfew works its just a shame I have to live with the one’s that are left and now shout at each other at the back of my house.

Right I think I’ll try and do a weekly blog try and get my writing juice’s flowing and maybe I’ll get better or I’ll not and give up.

Thanks for reading children 

Gaz