Chav-tastic

It’s like living on Main Street Malia.

It’s Saturday night in Partington and its Chav-tastic!

Next door have had a BBQ today and now it’s a full blown party, there are people in the front garden and people in the back garden.

Over at the back of our house there is as with most Saturdays fighting and shouting followed by a stabbing but they use blunt butter knifes and don’t even cut the skin. I’m not a fan of the stabbing culture in Brittan at the moment it seems to be out of hand and even little kids are stabbing each other with pretend knives made from Play-doh. BUT......BUT it wouldn’t hurt (me at least) if there were a few lest knob heads around!

At the front there is a gaggle of goon’s sat on the green all under the age of 2 and drinking until they can no longer see in multi tones.

And somewhere around the back again there are fireworks. IN APRIL!!! Now my dog is running around trying to find shelter while I’m trying to watch CSI: New York.

 

OK so I might sound like a fuddy duddy but why don’t people go out around here??? I said in a previous blog that the busses stop at 6pm as a cheaper alternative to electronic tagging as the only way out of Partington is to walk or steal a car and with both instants the people doing said crime or walk are either to knackered from the walk or to pre-occupied with the police anyway to commit any other crimes. So it works doesn’t it?

Now next door I don’t know how to spell what sound I made before but it would be a little like ggggggrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how much more hard house I can take. It’s just hard house but they are playing with my music now! Yes Kings of Leon are playing and they are all singing ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my sex is on fiiiiiiirrrreeeeee! There the only word these fecker’s know and they have now played this song about 17 times in a row. OH GOD! The Outhere brothers, boom boom boom. Now that was a good song when I was 9 but not now, not now I’m 24. Jebus H Christ I sound old.

I must admit I’m never home on a Saturday night I’m normally in London with my girlfriend or out with friends and stay with my mum who lives’ on the quietest street known to man well in Sale anyways. Also I’m hung-over last night I went to a friend’s house and we all drank Jelly Shots. We had strawberry and champagne jelly, orange and peach snaps jelly and lime and Malibu jelly. Mix that with all the beer and drinking games you can say we was a little worst for where. So it could just be the fact I’m hung-over or that I’m completely board out of my skull that I’m having this little rant or maybe I would have had this rant anyways if I was my normal happy self or had something to do!

One thing that did make me giggle today though was a headline I saw, it’s a few days old but it read ‘Stephen Hawkins will make full recovery’ now I thought are they just going to turn him off and then back on again? Or was he just messing with us all this time? Turns out I was wrong in both cases and he just had bad chest problems.

 

Thanks for reading children

G

Shopping with the stars (sort of)

So yesterday I went for a walk round London town in the sun. I was woken up by a text message from Stu stating the funniest thing he is likely to see all day was a midget on a bike, it woke me in a good mood as I was getting up anyways with the hustle and bustle of the busy Balham high road out side already waking me up as it got even more busy. I sent a response back and went for some breakfast.  Sugar puffs yum yum with all my movement above Roz’s room she came up stairs and had breakfast too before going for a run (crazy people the ausie’s) she had worked a double shift at her bar the day before and was going in again today until late, she looked like crap but she had just got up and it was probably me that woke her from the deep slumber I would of been in if I had done half as many hours she had over the last week or so.

After Roz had hit the hard paved streets of London with so many people walking down them she should just walk anyway I had a shower and walked down to the tube. I love the tube. For a city so big I’m sure the place would come to a stand still without it but when I say I love the tube I mean I love it for the one reason that it’s great to get anywhere you want and it’s cheap, well cheaper than Manchester Metro anyway. But its the warmth down there the dirty side of it I don’t like and the fact my ear phone are at home so I don’t have any music to listen to while I take the 20min journey to Oxford Circus. From there I find my Barings and try and find the Apple store I’ve been meaning to visit since I got my iPhone, you see I have had an iPhone for over a month now and every day I say “I must get my self some protection for it” a condom of sorts. Its touch screen and very shiny Gill Grissom from CSI would have a field day with the amounts of finger prints and untold grease from the swipes, pinches and pokes it get on a near 5 second usage it gets from me, and Laura trying to unlock it.

I found Apple after walking past it once all it had was a black flag out side the hundred odd year old building on Regent Street. Inside was like walking into E.T’s space craft all white and clean with screens all over the place with people tapping away making films or just checking there facebook, and near the tills was a hip high stand with all the ‘condoms’ for the iPhone each one was expensive and some was even branded by Paul Frank. It took some will power not to buy the Paul Frank skin but I walked out of there into the sun without a single item. I knew if I carried on walking down I’d hit Piccadilly Circus so I headed in that direction but got side tracked by a few shops and ended up in Soho. I love Soho all the colours and people its a very cool place I knew where I was when I found Carnaby Street and with my Motor head T-shirt I’d got from a store on Regents Street I headed back up to Piccadilly. I found a shop called Little London a rip off tourist store but I needed a fridge magnet of the London eye for Laura’s Nan and in the whole place there was one, one tiny magic eye magnet and it set me back £3. But now this was interesting I head towards Leister Square and ended walking down the red carpet for the Odeon, they were setting up for the premiere of the new Star Trek film and I was in the middle of it all. Just think a few hours later and Slyer from Heroes and Simon Pegg will be walking down the same penned off area I’m walking down now! On the sides of the railing there are people waiting already not one of them are Trekky’s and they are sat with picnics and drinks under the sun and waiting till night fall to see some Z list plebs walk down the red carpet and one or two big names from the movie.

The red carpet hadn’t been lay yet I’m sorry if I miss lead you there but still everything else was in place and film crews were setting up and it was all very exciting. Better than the crap street dancers that were there just 24 hours before clapping to a beat while one of them had a stroke in the middle of what looked like the biggest circle jerk ever. After the red carpet treatment I walked past a set of twins singing for money but all they had was a hifi and Now 65 and they just sang with the songs on the CD. All this was too much fun for me I got back on the tube and headed back to the flat. Getting back to Balham grabbing a subway for lunch was me for the day I wanted to write an episode of the sitcom I’m working on but I’ve just not had the willpower to do it and I’ve never wrote a play, story or script before I don’t know where to start or what episode I want to write so I’m going to head over to www.richardherring.com look at his scripts, how they are wrote how much detail I need and just somewhere to start. It might jolt something in my brain or it might just stump me but let this be said once we have this sitcom done and ready for the TV channels I’m sure it will get the green light and I’ll be all over a red carpet for real some time in the future.

London Calling

So I’m in London this week Laura and I got the train from Manchester on Friday and began the 200 mile trek that only takes 2 hours but feels like a life time when 1) I had been in work since 7am and its now 7pm and 2) We had a pair of loud ass drunk’s sat near us. My iPhone did keep me entertained for about an hour using twitter and messing around with Google maps but with a spritely girlfriend sat next to me I could just drift off into a world of my own as she insisted on poking me in the side as soon as I was to shut my eye’s or even look out of the window. She did go get us some food for dinner a rancid chicken tikka butty and some cheesy quavers it done us until we hit London anyways.

Getting off the train in London is normally an easy job with no problems but I’ve never got the train with Laura and her gigantic suitcase before. I had my own bad over my shoulder and her stupidly big case in which I had to get off the train with Laura getting in the way and trying to hold the bag while saying “mind your back”, “mind my back? Get the fuck outta the way” now I love Laura to bits but when you have hold of a heavy bag the worse thing for someone to do is try and help by placing one finger on the thing and all the time telling you to “mind your back”. Now I might sound grumpy, I was! I had been up since six been in work for 9 hours and pulled in a 13 cage delivery most of which is heavy drinks, beer or canned goods. Laura on the other hand had been sat at the pc half the day and sat in the sun the other half so she was in good spirits and awake and trying her hardest to fuck me off but in fairness I do the same to her when she is trying to sleep I tickle her, when she’s trying to read I tap or hum or make any noise I can but that just doesn’t wash with me when I’m a bit pooped ok so I shouldn’t have a go I know that but still she should know that “GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY” means please can you try not to wined me up I’m a bit grumpy.

After Euston we head down to the underground and its fascinating that Laura has lived in London nearly a year and still can not work it all out. She lives on the northern line and from Euston it splits into 2 one through the centre of London charring cross etc and one round pass London bridge etc. Now the line that goes round the centre of ‘the big smoke’ takes about 40 mins just because its not a straight line but the line through London is and only takes 20 mins she cannot get her head round this as much as she tries and still is so surprised how much less time it takes even with a small change in the middle and that’s only across platforms. Anyways we head right in the golden arches of MacDonald’s for some late night food before we or should I say I crash out in bed ready for the 12pm monopoly pub crawl the next day.

Pub crawl day!

Wow I’ve never had Champaign for breakfast before but it’s good. After 2 glasses Laura’s head is spinning but Lindsey and Emma seem fine but there ausies so they can handle there beer. We had off to embankment where the tour starts just off the strand and we receive our free tequila shot and grab a beer (its only 12 midday!) this is Theodore bullfrog the 1^st pub. There are 8/10 people around the table so we salt up our hands lick shot the tequila and bite hard into the lemon everyone’s face pulls the same contorted OMG!!! Look and wash it down with a beer. It’s the 1^st time I’ve done tequila that I remember anyways but I liked it I don’t even like lemon or salt but with the sprit it was good and with the company too. 100 people and 95 of them are from down under or NZ apart from one guy who was on his own and made friends with the2 ausies (astro boy and mate) that had cornered me in the 2^nd bar Belushi’s and was talking crap until my Jaeger bomb had run dry and I got whisked away to the next bar before everyone else got there by our own OZfest. It’s a good walk to the next bar The punch tavern but it’s nice and sunny and we get to see the home of Twinning’s tea and the Royal court’s of justice what we called the jail slot on our monopoly tour. In there we get food and 2 more beers and my tally is looking good I have 1 more beer to anyone else but I don’t know if its going to make or break me not a lot happens in this pub but astro boy did try and make convo but like a true brit I turned and walked away. Next bar is Dirty dicks on Liverpool st so 100 drunk people some dressed as nurses and on really fat chick dressed as a bubble bee pile on to a bus heading for dicks(that sounds wrong) in here we have a beer and the bar’s special of sambucca I have the black sambucca we then get on the the topic of Russell Brand I’m not a huge fan of his but Lindsey and pria had seen him at the O2 the night before and was in a scene from his up coming film with Jack Black and P Diddy where jack hit the stage while Russell was changing into his film get up and Jack Black to the crowd that they will have to pretend there at a rock gig for the next 20 mins or so and they will be in the film. Lindsey wants to in her own words “fuck” Russell so I tell her he has the smallest cock in the world as most people would of seen the pics in the papers last week with him naked in OZ I pull it up on Google with the iPhone to the jibes of “you saved it you fucking perv” or “your so gay”. No one now wants to fuck Russell brands famous stick so we head outside for some sun the guys are already out there with a beer in there hands. We chat for a bit with Tim the tour man before we head off to the next bar the Railway tavern’s Engine room up stairs again Jaeger bomb and outside for sunshine. We hit up Macdonalds here for lunch before heading to the Loop this place had a very very nice cocktail made from strawberry’s and alcohol. It’s getting to that point where we are feeling the effects and we lose half the group on the way to the next bar On anon in Piccadilly Circus and again a jug of that sweet sweet cocktail goes down faster than Maria Fritzle at Christmas. The rest of the group still are lost so we head to Zoo bar in Leicester square and its a shit hole so after a Cosmo cock tail we head to good old Walkabout where the rest of our group are already at with AC/DC pumping out from the DJ booth and the fosters flowing its the end of the crawl and its only half 8pm we are drunk and my head is splitting from the music and shitty fosters I’ve been given so after the drinks people start to go and I could be happier. Any normal night I’d be out till the break of dawn but 10 hours of booze and no food maccays don’t count as food! I need water and bed. The tube was the loudest I’ve ever been on but that could have been my pumping head and the tube was normal.

Laura wanted to go for a curry I would love to write what I had said to her on her because it was so funny even if I say so my self but even Laura was laughing so it must have been. I hit the pain killers and cash in bed 10pm and night running I couldn’t be more hardcore if I tried! But with a copy of Yes Man on DVD for the next day of rest I’m more than content.

Sunday

We did nothing! Nothing at all we talked about going for a walk in the sun to the common but that didn’t happen we talked about getting the tube to the themes but that didn’t happen. In the end and after all the talking we got on the couch to read but all I did was put AC/DC on a rawk out with my self on the sofa. We put Yes man on after tea and I loved it I loved it so much I’m getting the book and all the other Danny Wallace books. And again bed at 10pm Laura’s back at school tomorrow (so much for going out for a drink at the comedy club)

Monday

I’m up at 8am Stu had txt me saying he had just seen the funniest thing he’s likely to see all day with a dwarf on a bike so I txt back with a little joke(no pun intended) and get up. Sugar puffs and a shower I’m now ready to hit up the shops on regents st before heading to hide park for some sunshine and crack on with writing some of the sitcom I’m working on even if I still don’t have an episode yet.

I’m off to see Wicked tomorrow it’s fantastic everyone tells me so I’m in for a good night and then I head back to Manchester on Wednesday morning. I don’t know I can do heavy weekend of drink in Lancaster so I hope my friend cancels on me but if he doesn’t then I’ll just have to cope.

Thanks for reading I do hope this was much much better than the last post I don’t think I’ll upload my iPhone notes without checking them 1^st from now on.