Sunburn, Star Trek and Men in underpants

Thank god for that! I’ve got a week off work. I got to the point last week I nearly hit an old man in the face lol. It’s time I had a break and this is going to be no better break, I head to London on the Saturday and then to Brighton on the Monday for a few days before London again and then back to Manchester.

So Friday! Work like normal 7:30am-4:30pm and round to a friend’s house as his girlfriend was waiting in for me to pop round (no naughty stuff here! You need another blog for that kind of smut) She was waiting in for me to give me my birthday gift/gifts as it turned out. But before I went round I text Ashley to say I was outside, only I wasn’t and wouldn’t be for about 5 minuet’s. As I come round the corner of Matt’s road I see Ashley looking for me in the garden I giggle like a little girl as she heads back in the house and that grin was to stay on my face until I knocked on the door. When Ashley opened the door she had some cup cakes made up for me in a tower formation and good god did they look nice! Matt and Ashley also got me some sex cheques and a bondage kit for starters (ok you might get some smut but that’s them not me) I ended talking with Ashley for about an hour so by the time I got home there was no time for a power nap to keep me going for the night ahead. It was my birthday the day before so a few of us was going to the pub for drinks. It started like any other night at the pub and without the man who got his big, big nuts out and very small willy it was a very normal funny night at the pub needless to say I got drunk as I had a line of 3 pints on the go with people buying them for me.

Saturday. I’m hung-over a little not a bad head hurting one just wanted to sleep but I knew I had a train to catch. Still the train couldn’t pull me away from a very interesting 5^th gear when a stunt man was trying to be the 1^st man to do a loop-a-loop in a car. I didn’t catch the end as it was way too late now and had to get the train. The tram’s in Manchester are having yet more work done to them so I had to walk from Saint Peter’s sq to the station and it was hot I must of looked like a sweating pig with my big bag hung off my shoulder. In the station could I find a train for London? Could I f**k. The west coast mainline was down!!! What was I going to do? I found out of the Virgin rail man who must have had about 700 people ask him what was going on because he had a face like a slapped arse. I had to go to Birmingham and then get a bus to Milton Keynes and yet one more train to London. 5 HOURS! 5 FECKIN’ HOURS! I did get to see a campervan with a quiff so the bus ride made me giggle but the rest was a pain in the bum bum. Luckily I had bought Join Me by Danny Wallace so that was keeping me entertained but I knew by the time I got to London it would be far too late to drop my things at Laura’s and then head back to see the show so I had to put my bags in storage at the station, £8! To hold my bag for 3 hours what a rip off. The show in question is Rob Brydon live. I’ve never seen a more charming comedian. He never puts anyone down; he invited people from the top to sit at the front in the seat of people that didn’t turn up. He didn’t once tell a joke he just chat’s with the crowd and sings an improve song at the end from all the thing we have been talking about over the last few hours and it was spot on I don’t know how anyone could sing a song from all the random crap he get’s each night but he does it and hits it right on the head.

Sunday was such a fantastic day for sun it was hot and the park was calling us so Laura and I head down to Clapham common just up the road from Laura’s Balham flat and bathed in the sun for a few hours there was a bathing in the sun with just his underpants on! Brave I thought but I soon noticed he was Russian so he must have been as hot as anyone can get from such a cold country. In fact he was the 2^nd Russian I came across this week. There was a man on the train from Manchester and he was talking very loud, he asked the guy next to him *in a Russian voice “Have you seen a dog?” I don’t know what he was expecting, like dog’s only live in Russia and he wanted to show off or they don’t live in Russia and he wanted to see one. Turns out he must study dogs as he went on to tell his friend about the dog they was studying and it had something wrong with it like a brain tumour and was making its back legs shake. We went to a bar where Laura’s flatmate works just off the common and some lad sat with us after a while they left leaving us to move round to where they was sat so we could get out later as the bar was packed. Laura turned round to take a drink and spat it out all over her hands and the table she had only drank from one of the lads drinks and if was full of JD and coke! A drink she hates. Only this was by far the funniest thing I and Laura’s other flatmate and seen all day and just ended up in a giggling mess.

Brighton..................What a great place soon as we got there the sun came out and we went for a walk down the beach had a go on some ride’s and had some lunch. We walk through the lanes where all the cool shops are, found a street called Prince Albert st. They do say it’s the gay capital of the U.K. in one of the shop’s we found it was full of cool thing for house or flats and the was this one thing to put bananas in, Laura only shouted across the shot “this stops your banana from bruising” the whole shop came to a screeching halt it was quiet too quiet and everyone paused for a few seconds and then went back to normal as I said you should shout that out too loud.

We went to a comedy gig that night at the funny farm after a belly busting meal at Casalingo. We spent the next few days just walking shopping eating that sort of thing. When it rained we went to see Star Trek a good film that Laura hated from start to finish. She then made me see Coraline the next day that was a bad film and not for kids!

Back to London now. I was sad to leave Brighton it’s a cool place with a nice vibe and very nice people but our time was up. We had a meal to go to the next night with Laura’s sister and friend’s before I went home. The train on the way home took all of 2 hours thank god.

this is the pic that didnt work in the last post.

Is this my path?

Comedian...............?

That’s what I want to be it’s what has been running through my head every day like a bad dream. Every time I talk to someone it’s there every time I serve a customer at work it’s there and when I’m having a wee it’s there.

What is a comedian???

Well www.Dictionary.com say’s

co⋅me⋅di⋅an

  [kuh-mee-dee-uhn]

–noun

1.	a professional entertainer who amuses by relating anecdotes, acting out comical situations, engaging in humorous repartee, etc.

 

2.	An actor in comedy.

 

3.	A writer of comedy.

 

4.	Any comical or amusing person.

 

I am number 4 ‘any comical or amusing person’ if I know you that is, if I bounce off you and have a laugh when we meet that’s the person I am. I love to tell joke’s or funny anecdotes about life, work and other people. When I’m with friends I can send them into a broken state where they can no longer laugh out aloud. OK so this is on occasion. I can do this as most of my friends are funny and bounce back with a tangent to go off on then bring it back some time later with a punch line. 3 of us could be great comedian’s if we get off our asses and do it properly.

When I’m at home I will get on YouTube and find comedian’s I know and love or I will trawl through the most of the time real bad comedian’s to find a newbie. But it’s when I watch the legends or the real good comedian’s that I find myself saying “FUCK!” how on earth can I do this? Comedian’s like Richard Herring, Stuart Lee, Dave Gorman, Omid Djalili, Stephen K Amos, Smugg Robert’s, BILLY CONNALLY! Frighten the hell out of me. How can one person make so many people laugh? I know I know, they have warm up gig’s and know what works and what doesn’t but it still get’s to me it eats away at me. At home I sit down with my laptop or pen and pad I want to write a joke or a funny story but it doesn’t come, now when I’m around friends I can real off joke’s without thinking but yet I cannot get them down on paper or screen.

I wrote a joke the other day it went like this....

Peter Andre is looking to get a fat chunk from his divorce to Katie Price.

He’s getting Harvey.

I love that joke it might be sick but I wrote it, I’ve never wrote a “joke” with word’s and then the punch line. It made my day but I didn’t carry on so it was lost. Work plays a big factor on the reason I don’t write jokes or anything else in matter of fact because I would think of something funny, say to myself I must write that down before I forget and then puff! It’s gone.

Now to my point I think? A comedian stands on stage a stage in front of people real people and that is a fear that I don’t know if I could overcome. You see I’ve been on stage what about 3 times in my life and in this order I’ll tell thee.

1)    At a charity gig for a football club a friend of mine run’s I was sat down sober as I on this night was the designated driver and had to drive some of the drunk rabble home after. After all the game’s and trophy hand outs it was disco time with Karaoke, you can see where this is going cant you. Well “next up” said the compare one of the footie lad’s “Phil and Gaz with Wild Thing” Phil was drunk I don’t think he gave a shit but as a sober man this was my hell! A room full of people some I know most I don’t and it’s singing, something I don’t do and defiantly not well! We started and I think my mic may have been turned off I don’t know if I done it or it never worked but at least I couldn’t hear my voice over the massive speakers over my left shoulder. During the song Phil even sang the section of the video that tells us there is a 30 second instrumental coming up. My leg was shaking like Evil Presley with a trapped nerve. When we got off the stage to applause??? Lol I don’t know if that was because we were getting off or they thought we were good! People told us we was good I wasn’t convinced and glad my mic seamed to of been turned off or broke from my Hulk grip and sweaty hands. Laura leaned over gave me a kiss and said I liked the knee jerking that was a cool touch. NO LAURA! NO IT WASNT! I was shitting myself I’ve never been on stage the only other time I was in front of people was in year 7 and I played drum’s for the class band, at least my leg jerking came in handy then as long as it was in time with the tempo of the keyboards shitty alien sound’s. I was red faced and couldn’t hide my embarrassment.

 

2)    This time I was drunk! I don’t know where we had been and I don’t know   why we ended up in a Chinese Karaoke bar but we did and the weapon of choice for Anthony and I was DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s Boom shake the room. Let’s get one thing straight, I’m no rapper and the only words I know are Boom shake shake the room, tic tic boom! This didn’t go down well I couldn’t stop laughing and Anthony was singing like Liam Gallagher from Oasis which in some odd way made the song sound ok in my drunkard head. I think I laughed all the way through it apart from shouting BOOM every now and then was because I couldn’t believe I was again on stage and singing! I’m the shy guy, always was. In school I never made as much as a whisper and shy away from any spot light.

 

3)    This one at least doesn’t have any singing in it, well not into a mic anyways. This was the Xmas do for work and we had gone to the Frog and Bucket in Manchester, a comedy club and after the act’s there is a disco and by this time everyone in the joint is so drunk they can no longer see. I was on stage singing YMCA with some of the lads from work and on the stage for most of the night. I don’t remember most of it and it was only dancing wasn’t it.

 

It was a good night. I hope not the height of my career as a stand up. Doing the YMCA on the frog’s stage where I have seen greats like Smugg Robert’s, Richard Herring and Ian Stone.

Can I do this line of work? Can I get over my fear of large crowds of people? I don’t know but it’s going to be fun to find out and even now as 4 good jokes have passed through my brain and into thin air.....

 

I’m going to give it a good bloody go!