Oh lord!

That's right. Oh lord! Because? Well I'm using my iPhone to write this
and from writing txt messages and e-mails on this awesome awesome
phone I know what may come up and that is wrong robots! See there you
go again you yanky fecker. It put words where you don't want them and
if you've not worked it out yet then robots should be words.

But this will not happen today! No! Well it might lol I'll do my best
to keep an eye on the pesky little feck.

It's been a while since I was last on blogger and that in part is
because I moved into the flat from my last blog and we still have no
Internet yet as BT could be any more slow because they would be going
backwards.

We moved in a few weeks ago and with my girlfriend Laura being a
teacher she had the great fortune to set the place up with being on
summer holidays. We have had one or two nights in on our own and the
rest has been full of friends or family dropping by to see our 1st
home together. In the wee hours of this morning while I was sleeping
Laura booked us on a week long all I incluesive holiday to Turky and
we leave in a day and half it was nice to wake upto I've got to say
buy as soon as we booked the British weather has now perked up and is
sunny through our French doors, why there called French doors I don't
know. Maybe they give up when it get to much or because a Renaul Clio
could fit through them?

Anyways I hope to have the Internet by the time I get back from the
middle west all tanned and no doubt I'll post a pic of us in a mud
bath or buying fake sun glasses.

Song of the week, well song of the last 3 months for me is 'Where did
all the love go' by Kasabian

Blog soon

Gaz

Sent from my iPhone

New Blog

Yes that's right! I've got a 2nd blog only this one is going to be more well let's say visual than this one.

Its called Iphone Life and all it is, is me taking a pic on the Iphone and posting it. I'll tell you my thoughts as to why I took the pic or i might just open it up to you my 2 followers(one of which is blocked from Blogger because he's in China) For you to guess what I was thinking.

Hope you enjoy it!

http://gazsiphonelife.blogspot.com/

New Place

To say "Lad's Pad" would be wrong as I will be the only "Lad" if i could ever be called a lad that is because it's Laura and i that are moving in.

Britania Quay in sale overlooking the canel on this pic but our flat is the otherside of the building so we get to see the Metrolink. Laura had in her head that this flat would have a balcony the size of a small swimming pool that overlooked the barge's passing below and that the living room would be able to house a small army of polish cleaner's when in fact its the same size as any 2 bed flat in the Sale area not huge but not to small. the hall is as big as the rest of it and she doesn't see this as a room.

She does however see the spare room as a place my Xbox360 will live but the TV will live in the living room hahahahahahah i dont think so some how. Laura's a teacher she will no doubt have work to do when at home.

This happen's to be over the road from the pub i go every Monday with friends so i can now get to drunk to see as i can just fall into my flat, if i can work the lift when i get in. the flat is a 2nd floor flat but the lift must be from mainland europe as the floors go 1-2-3-4-5 not G-1-2-3-4 and trying to find the flat was at best an easteregg hunt when we went to view as the agent didnt know where the building was nevermind the flat.

dont know why i posted this blog but i am off work will a bad back so i am very very bored.

one more pic??? OK go on then

From flat

Download 2009

So the last festival i went to was the Vfest2008 where i got to see great bands like Muse, Kings of Leon, the Courteeners, Kooks, Travis and the not so good Amy Winehouse to be honest i think she was the only bad act i saw at Vfest. But and this is the big BUT, it rained every night and most of the second day we didn't get to experience the "festival spirit" after the headliners no one stayed out we all went to bed because it was raining, a few people went into other tents for drinks but we can't all sit in a 2 man tent and drink more than our body can take can we?

Download was different!

The sun shines on Rock 'n' Roll and it did with all its power. with in a few hours of getting to Donnington after the Rock 'n' Roll express train consisting of one carriage for hundred or so festival goers and some old folk who just wanted a day out in Uttoxeter and a one hour long walk from the gates into the village where all the campsite's sit around, we were burnt and i mean glowing red. With beer in our belly's and our skin audibly crackling we had to get some shade and by shade i mean silly hats.

From Download2009

with the hats and the beer we need food and of course this is a festival so getting food is a crime when you have to pay £10 for a burger and bottle of Pepsi.

i was expecting this and had about £200 to burn knowing how expensive it is once there only i wasn't getting paid until the next day and i only had £10 on me, at least i had food that night. going back to the tents and drinking more a huge unforgiving headache came over me so i hit the sack after being told i looked like i was going to kill many thousands of people.

Wakey Wakey or whooooooosssssshhhhhhhoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! as the toilet cleaners truck said at half 5 in the morning scaring the life and soul out of me. It was one of the coldest nights in a tent i have ever been in and noow it one one of the hottest, yes with the toilet cleaners, plains from the near by airport and the sound of people already up came the heat. The sun was out and there it stayed until 4am Monday morning when it showered for 20Min's or so.

I'm not going to talk about the music all that much in this blog but we got to see on the 1st day of music a rocking set from Limp Bizkit of all people a band no one expected to be any good but they got 5 K's from Kerrang! mag and everyone was in the party mood after them. I don't remember that night, not that i was too drunk but i just don't remember.

Day 2 started like the 1st with the second largest plane flying just feet above my head and the toilet cleaners fighting with there power washers with the heat too but i had an air bed and i slept like a a baby, yeah wee'd the bed twice and woke up crying 4 times. all i remember from the music today was the headliner's from the second stage, The Prodigy!!!!! this was no doubt the best live gig i have ever seen with the energy and beats just pumping through the crowd. i push a tall sweaty man away but when realising how sweaty he was Matt and i pushed Kim's face into his drenched back poor Kim lol.

On the way back to the tents 30 thousand people were singing outta space the final song from the headliners and when we looked back at the other 50 or so thousand people watching Slipknot it just made you hairs stand on end and make you willy tingle just a little, this sea of people all moving to the same beat of a drum is just one of the best feelings in the world and only when you have been to a festival do you think this is better than seeing a band at there own stage show this isn't just Prodigy fans or Korn fans this is a lucky bag full of all the different types of music on show at this epic venue. Of course a festival isn't all about the music its as much about the campsite and the people, friendly isn't the start you get people there with other gangs or even on there own because you are never to far away from people who will adopt you as there own. Just like our friendly Geordie Chris so smashed on pill's he sat crying for an hour because he couldn't get in his tent... it wasn't even his tent his tent was next to Matt's and after trying to find a zip that wasn't there and getting a smack him the head from Matt he sat crying on his on. he join us when friends of Jamie's had come to say hi but when they left Chris was still there he didn't know anyone but sat with us all night and for the next night too.

Last day of music and Def Leppard closed the show with an 23 years in the making rock orgy of there all time greatest hits, we spent the night playing more drinking games and hit the sack about half 4/5am after a long and brutal game of "I've never" the ride home was sombre to say the least i wanted to stay on, we all did! Phil just needed a few more days in bed i think, he is a little like the hulk when sleepy.

A subway and a half arsed nap before we hit the cinema to see Terminator and its all over, I still have the wrist band on due to festival rules of it stays on till it falls off.

Next year Tour bus for download and i would love to see glasto too

Sunburn, Star Trek and Men in underpants

Thank god for that! I’ve got a week off work. I got to the point last week I nearly hit an old man in the face lol. It’s time I had a break and this is going to be no better break, I head to London on the Saturday and then to Brighton on the Monday for a few days before London again and then back to Manchester.

So Friday! Work like normal 7:30am-4:30pm and round to a friend’s house as his girlfriend was waiting in for me to pop round (no naughty stuff here! You need another blog for that kind of smut) She was waiting in for me to give me my birthday gift/gifts as it turned out. But before I went round I text Ashley to say I was outside, only I wasn’t and wouldn’t be for about 5 minuet’s. As I come round the corner of Matt’s road I see Ashley looking for me in the garden I giggle like a little girl as she heads back in the house and that grin was to stay on my face until I knocked on the door. When Ashley opened the door she had some cup cakes made up for me in a tower formation and good god did they look nice! Matt and Ashley also got me some sex cheques and a bondage kit for starters (ok you might get some smut but that’s them not me) I ended talking with Ashley for about an hour so by the time I got home there was no time for a power nap to keep me going for the night ahead. It was my birthday the day before so a few of us was going to the pub for drinks. It started like any other night at the pub and without the man who got his big, big nuts out and very small willy it was a very normal funny night at the pub needless to say I got drunk as I had a line of 3 pints on the go with people buying them for me.

Saturday. I’m hung-over a little not a bad head hurting one just wanted to sleep but I knew I had a train to catch. Still the train couldn’t pull me away from a very interesting 5^th gear when a stunt man was trying to be the 1^st man to do a loop-a-loop in a car. I didn’t catch the end as it was way too late now and had to get the train. The tram’s in Manchester are having yet more work done to them so I had to walk from Saint Peter’s sq to the station and it was hot I must of looked like a sweating pig with my big bag hung off my shoulder. In the station could I find a train for London? Could I f**k. The west coast mainline was down!!! What was I going to do? I found out of the Virgin rail man who must have had about 700 people ask him what was going on because he had a face like a slapped arse. I had to go to Birmingham and then get a bus to Milton Keynes and yet one more train to London. 5 HOURS! 5 FECKIN’ HOURS! I did get to see a campervan with a quiff so the bus ride made me giggle but the rest was a pain in the bum bum. Luckily I had bought Join Me by Danny Wallace so that was keeping me entertained but I knew by the time I got to London it would be far too late to drop my things at Laura’s and then head back to see the show so I had to put my bags in storage at the station, £8! To hold my bag for 3 hours what a rip off. The show in question is Rob Brydon live. I’ve never seen a more charming comedian. He never puts anyone down; he invited people from the top to sit at the front in the seat of people that didn’t turn up. He didn’t once tell a joke he just chat’s with the crowd and sings an improve song at the end from all the thing we have been talking about over the last few hours and it was spot on I don’t know how anyone could sing a song from all the random crap he get’s each night but he does it and hits it right on the head.

Sunday was such a fantastic day for sun it was hot and the park was calling us so Laura and I head down to Clapham common just up the road from Laura’s Balham flat and bathed in the sun for a few hours there was a bathing in the sun with just his underpants on! Brave I thought but I soon noticed he was Russian so he must have been as hot as anyone can get from such a cold country. In fact he was the 2^nd Russian I came across this week. There was a man on the train from Manchester and he was talking very loud, he asked the guy next to him *in a Russian voice “Have you seen a dog?” I don’t know what he was expecting, like dog’s only live in Russia and he wanted to show off or they don’t live in Russia and he wanted to see one. Turns out he must study dogs as he went on to tell his friend about the dog they was studying and it had something wrong with it like a brain tumour and was making its back legs shake. We went to a bar where Laura’s flatmate works just off the common and some lad sat with us after a while they left leaving us to move round to where they was sat so we could get out later as the bar was packed. Laura turned round to take a drink and spat it out all over her hands and the table she had only drank from one of the lads drinks and if was full of JD and coke! A drink she hates. Only this was by far the funniest thing I and Laura’s other flatmate and seen all day and just ended up in a giggling mess.

Brighton..................What a great place soon as we got there the sun came out and we went for a walk down the beach had a go on some ride’s and had some lunch. We walk through the lanes where all the cool shops are, found a street called Prince Albert st. They do say it’s the gay capital of the U.K. in one of the shop’s we found it was full of cool thing for house or flats and the was this one thing to put bananas in, Laura only shouted across the shot “this stops your banana from bruising” the whole shop came to a screeching halt it was quiet too quiet and everyone paused for a few seconds and then went back to normal as I said you should shout that out too loud.

We went to a comedy gig that night at the funny farm after a belly busting meal at Casalingo. We spent the next few days just walking shopping eating that sort of thing. When it rained we went to see Star Trek a good film that Laura hated from start to finish. She then made me see Coraline the next day that was a bad film and not for kids!

Back to London now. I was sad to leave Brighton it’s a cool place with a nice vibe and very nice people but our time was up. We had a meal to go to the next night with Laura’s sister and friend’s before I went home. The train on the way home took all of 2 hours thank god.

this is the pic that didnt work in the last post.

Is this my path?

Comedian...............?

That’s what I want to be it’s what has been running through my head every day like a bad dream. Every time I talk to someone it’s there every time I serve a customer at work it’s there and when I’m having a wee it’s there.

What is a comedian???

Well www.Dictionary.com say’s

co⋅me⋅di⋅an

  [kuh-mee-dee-uhn]

–noun

1.	a professional entertainer who amuses by relating anecdotes, acting out comical situations, engaging in humorous repartee, etc.

 

2.	An actor in comedy.

 

3.	A writer of comedy.

 

4.	Any comical or amusing person.

 

I am number 4 ‘any comical or amusing person’ if I know you that is, if I bounce off you and have a laugh when we meet that’s the person I am. I love to tell joke’s or funny anecdotes about life, work and other people. When I’m with friends I can send them into a broken state where they can no longer laugh out aloud. OK so this is on occasion. I can do this as most of my friends are funny and bounce back with a tangent to go off on then bring it back some time later with a punch line. 3 of us could be great comedian’s if we get off our asses and do it properly.

When I’m at home I will get on YouTube and find comedian’s I know and love or I will trawl through the most of the time real bad comedian’s to find a newbie. But it’s when I watch the legends or the real good comedian’s that I find myself saying “FUCK!” how on earth can I do this? Comedian’s like Richard Herring, Stuart Lee, Dave Gorman, Omid Djalili, Stephen K Amos, Smugg Robert’s, BILLY CONNALLY! Frighten the hell out of me. How can one person make so many people laugh? I know I know, they have warm up gig’s and know what works and what doesn’t but it still get’s to me it eats away at me. At home I sit down with my laptop or pen and pad I want to write a joke or a funny story but it doesn’t come, now when I’m around friends I can real off joke’s without thinking but yet I cannot get them down on paper or screen.

I wrote a joke the other day it went like this....

Peter Andre is looking to get a fat chunk from his divorce to Katie Price.

He’s getting Harvey.

I love that joke it might be sick but I wrote it, I’ve never wrote a “joke” with word’s and then the punch line. It made my day but I didn’t carry on so it was lost. Work plays a big factor on the reason I don’t write jokes or anything else in matter of fact because I would think of something funny, say to myself I must write that down before I forget and then puff! It’s gone.

Now to my point I think? A comedian stands on stage a stage in front of people real people and that is a fear that I don’t know if I could overcome. You see I’ve been on stage what about 3 times in my life and in this order I’ll tell thee.

1)    At a charity gig for a football club a friend of mine run’s I was sat down sober as I on this night was the designated driver and had to drive some of the drunk rabble home after. After all the game’s and trophy hand outs it was disco time with Karaoke, you can see where this is going cant you. Well “next up” said the compare one of the footie lad’s “Phil and Gaz with Wild Thing” Phil was drunk I don’t think he gave a shit but as a sober man this was my hell! A room full of people some I know most I don’t and it’s singing, something I don’t do and defiantly not well! We started and I think my mic may have been turned off I don’t know if I done it or it never worked but at least I couldn’t hear my voice over the massive speakers over my left shoulder. During the song Phil even sang the section of the video that tells us there is a 30 second instrumental coming up. My leg was shaking like Evil Presley with a trapped nerve. When we got off the stage to applause??? Lol I don’t know if that was because we were getting off or they thought we were good! People told us we was good I wasn’t convinced and glad my mic seamed to of been turned off or broke from my Hulk grip and sweaty hands. Laura leaned over gave me a kiss and said I liked the knee jerking that was a cool touch. NO LAURA! NO IT WASNT! I was shitting myself I’ve never been on stage the only other time I was in front of people was in year 7 and I played drum’s for the class band, at least my leg jerking came in handy then as long as it was in time with the tempo of the keyboards shitty alien sound’s. I was red faced and couldn’t hide my embarrassment.

 

2)    This time I was drunk! I don’t know where we had been and I don’t know   why we ended up in a Chinese Karaoke bar but we did and the weapon of choice for Anthony and I was DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s Boom shake the room. Let’s get one thing straight, I’m no rapper and the only words I know are Boom shake shake the room, tic tic boom! This didn’t go down well I couldn’t stop laughing and Anthony was singing like Liam Gallagher from Oasis which in some odd way made the song sound ok in my drunkard head. I think I laughed all the way through it apart from shouting BOOM every now and then was because I couldn’t believe I was again on stage and singing! I’m the shy guy, always was. In school I never made as much as a whisper and shy away from any spot light.

 

3)    This one at least doesn’t have any singing in it, well not into a mic anyways. This was the Xmas do for work and we had gone to the Frog and Bucket in Manchester, a comedy club and after the act’s there is a disco and by this time everyone in the joint is so drunk they can no longer see. I was on stage singing YMCA with some of the lads from work and on the stage for most of the night. I don’t remember most of it and it was only dancing wasn’t it.

 

It was a good night. I hope not the height of my career as a stand up. Doing the YMCA on the frog’s stage where I have seen greats like Smugg Robert’s, Richard Herring and Ian Stone.

Can I do this line of work? Can I get over my fear of large crowds of people? I don’t know but it’s going to be fun to find out and even now as 4 good jokes have passed through my brain and into thin air.....

 

I’m going to give it a good bloody go!

Chav-tastic

It’s like living on Main Street Malia.

It’s Saturday night in Partington and its Chav-tastic!

Next door have had a BBQ today and now it’s a full blown party, there are people in the front garden and people in the back garden.

Over at the back of our house there is as with most Saturdays fighting and shouting followed by a stabbing but they use blunt butter knifes and don’t even cut the skin. I’m not a fan of the stabbing culture in Brittan at the moment it seems to be out of hand and even little kids are stabbing each other with pretend knives made from Play-doh. BUT......BUT it wouldn’t hurt (me at least) if there were a few lest knob heads around!

At the front there is a gaggle of goon’s sat on the green all under the age of 2 and drinking until they can no longer see in multi tones.

And somewhere around the back again there are fireworks. IN APRIL!!! Now my dog is running around trying to find shelter while I’m trying to watch CSI: New York.

 

OK so I might sound like a fuddy duddy but why don’t people go out around here??? I said in a previous blog that the busses stop at 6pm as a cheaper alternative to electronic tagging as the only way out of Partington is to walk or steal a car and with both instants the people doing said crime or walk are either to knackered from the walk or to pre-occupied with the police anyway to commit any other crimes. So it works doesn’t it?

Now next door I don’t know how to spell what sound I made before but it would be a little like ggggggrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know how much more hard house I can take. It’s just hard house but they are playing with my music now! Yes Kings of Leon are playing and they are all singing ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my sex is on fiiiiiiirrrreeeeee! There the only word these fecker’s know and they have now played this song about 17 times in a row. OH GOD! The Outhere brothers, boom boom boom. Now that was a good song when I was 9 but not now, not now I’m 24. Jebus H Christ I sound old.

I must admit I’m never home on a Saturday night I’m normally in London with my girlfriend or out with friends and stay with my mum who lives’ on the quietest street known to man well in Sale anyways. Also I’m hung-over last night I went to a friend’s house and we all drank Jelly Shots. We had strawberry and champagne jelly, orange and peach snaps jelly and lime and Malibu jelly. Mix that with all the beer and drinking games you can say we was a little worst for where. So it could just be the fact I’m hung-over or that I’m completely board out of my skull that I’m having this little rant or maybe I would have had this rant anyways if I was my normal happy self or had something to do!

One thing that did make me giggle today though was a headline I saw, it’s a few days old but it read ‘Stephen Hawkins will make full recovery’ now I thought are they just going to turn him off and then back on again? Or was he just messing with us all this time? Turns out I was wrong in both cases and he just had bad chest problems.

 

Thanks for reading children

G

Shopping with the stars (sort of)

So yesterday I went for a walk round London town in the sun. I was woken up by a text message from Stu stating the funniest thing he is likely to see all day was a midget on a bike, it woke me in a good mood as I was getting up anyways with the hustle and bustle of the busy Balham high road out side already waking me up as it got even more busy. I sent a response back and went for some breakfast.  Sugar puffs yum yum with all my movement above Roz’s room she came up stairs and had breakfast too before going for a run (crazy people the ausie’s) she had worked a double shift at her bar the day before and was going in again today until late, she looked like crap but she had just got up and it was probably me that woke her from the deep slumber I would of been in if I had done half as many hours she had over the last week or so.

After Roz had hit the hard paved streets of London with so many people walking down them she should just walk anyway I had a shower and walked down to the tube. I love the tube. For a city so big I’m sure the place would come to a stand still without it but when I say I love the tube I mean I love it for the one reason that it’s great to get anywhere you want and it’s cheap, well cheaper than Manchester Metro anyway. But its the warmth down there the dirty side of it I don’t like and the fact my ear phone are at home so I don’t have any music to listen to while I take the 20min journey to Oxford Circus. From there I find my Barings and try and find the Apple store I’ve been meaning to visit since I got my iPhone, you see I have had an iPhone for over a month now and every day I say “I must get my self some protection for it” a condom of sorts. Its touch screen and very shiny Gill Grissom from CSI would have a field day with the amounts of finger prints and untold grease from the swipes, pinches and pokes it get on a near 5 second usage it gets from me, and Laura trying to unlock it.

I found Apple after walking past it once all it had was a black flag out side the hundred odd year old building on Regent Street. Inside was like walking into E.T’s space craft all white and clean with screens all over the place with people tapping away making films or just checking there facebook, and near the tills was a hip high stand with all the ‘condoms’ for the iPhone each one was expensive and some was even branded by Paul Frank. It took some will power not to buy the Paul Frank skin but I walked out of there into the sun without a single item. I knew if I carried on walking down I’d hit Piccadilly Circus so I headed in that direction but got side tracked by a few shops and ended up in Soho. I love Soho all the colours and people its a very cool place I knew where I was when I found Carnaby Street and with my Motor head T-shirt I’d got from a store on Regents Street I headed back up to Piccadilly. I found a shop called Little London a rip off tourist store but I needed a fridge magnet of the London eye for Laura’s Nan and in the whole place there was one, one tiny magic eye magnet and it set me back £3. But now this was interesting I head towards Leister Square and ended walking down the red carpet for the Odeon, they were setting up for the premiere of the new Star Trek film and I was in the middle of it all. Just think a few hours later and Slyer from Heroes and Simon Pegg will be walking down the same penned off area I’m walking down now! On the sides of the railing there are people waiting already not one of them are Trekky’s and they are sat with picnics and drinks under the sun and waiting till night fall to see some Z list plebs walk down the red carpet and one or two big names from the movie.

The red carpet hadn’t been lay yet I’m sorry if I miss lead you there but still everything else was in place and film crews were setting up and it was all very exciting. Better than the crap street dancers that were there just 24 hours before clapping to a beat while one of them had a stroke in the middle of what looked like the biggest circle jerk ever. After the red carpet treatment I walked past a set of twins singing for money but all they had was a hifi and Now 65 and they just sang with the songs on the CD. All this was too much fun for me I got back on the tube and headed back to the flat. Getting back to Balham grabbing a subway for lunch was me for the day I wanted to write an episode of the sitcom I’m working on but I’ve just not had the willpower to do it and I’ve never wrote a play, story or script before I don’t know where to start or what episode I want to write so I’m going to head over to www.richardherring.com look at his scripts, how they are wrote how much detail I need and just somewhere to start. It might jolt something in my brain or it might just stump me but let this be said once we have this sitcom done and ready for the TV channels I’m sure it will get the green light and I’ll be all over a red carpet for real some time in the future.

London Calling

So I’m in London this week Laura and I got the train from Manchester on Friday and began the 200 mile trek that only takes 2 hours but feels like a life time when 1) I had been in work since 7am and its now 7pm and 2) We had a pair of loud ass drunk’s sat near us. My iPhone did keep me entertained for about an hour using twitter and messing around with Google maps but with a spritely girlfriend sat next to me I could just drift off into a world of my own as she insisted on poking me in the side as soon as I was to shut my eye’s or even look out of the window. She did go get us some food for dinner a rancid chicken tikka butty and some cheesy quavers it done us until we hit London anyways.

Getting off the train in London is normally an easy job with no problems but I’ve never got the train with Laura and her gigantic suitcase before. I had my own bad over my shoulder and her stupidly big case in which I had to get off the train with Laura getting in the way and trying to hold the bag while saying “mind your back”, “mind my back? Get the fuck outta the way” now I love Laura to bits but when you have hold of a heavy bag the worse thing for someone to do is try and help by placing one finger on the thing and all the time telling you to “mind your back”. Now I might sound grumpy, I was! I had been up since six been in work for 9 hours and pulled in a 13 cage delivery most of which is heavy drinks, beer or canned goods. Laura on the other hand had been sat at the pc half the day and sat in the sun the other half so she was in good spirits and awake and trying her hardest to fuck me off but in fairness I do the same to her when she is trying to sleep I tickle her, when she’s trying to read I tap or hum or make any noise I can but that just doesn’t wash with me when I’m a bit pooped ok so I shouldn’t have a go I know that but still she should know that “GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY” means please can you try not to wined me up I’m a bit grumpy.

After Euston we head down to the underground and its fascinating that Laura has lived in London nearly a year and still can not work it all out. She lives on the northern line and from Euston it splits into 2 one through the centre of London charring cross etc and one round pass London bridge etc. Now the line that goes round the centre of ‘the big smoke’ takes about 40 mins just because its not a straight line but the line through London is and only takes 20 mins she cannot get her head round this as much as she tries and still is so surprised how much less time it takes even with a small change in the middle and that’s only across platforms. Anyways we head right in the golden arches of MacDonald’s for some late night food before we or should I say I crash out in bed ready for the 12pm monopoly pub crawl the next day.

Pub crawl day!

Wow I’ve never had Champaign for breakfast before but it’s good. After 2 glasses Laura’s head is spinning but Lindsey and Emma seem fine but there ausies so they can handle there beer. We had off to embankment where the tour starts just off the strand and we receive our free tequila shot and grab a beer (its only 12 midday!) this is Theodore bullfrog the 1^st pub. There are 8/10 people around the table so we salt up our hands lick shot the tequila and bite hard into the lemon everyone’s face pulls the same contorted OMG!!! Look and wash it down with a beer. It’s the 1^st time I’ve done tequila that I remember anyways but I liked it I don’t even like lemon or salt but with the sprit it was good and with the company too. 100 people and 95 of them are from down under or NZ apart from one guy who was on his own and made friends with the2 ausies (astro boy and mate) that had cornered me in the 2^nd bar Belushi’s and was talking crap until my Jaeger bomb had run dry and I got whisked away to the next bar before everyone else got there by our own OZfest. It’s a good walk to the next bar The punch tavern but it’s nice and sunny and we get to see the home of Twinning’s tea and the Royal court’s of justice what we called the jail slot on our monopoly tour. In there we get food and 2 more beers and my tally is looking good I have 1 more beer to anyone else but I don’t know if its going to make or break me not a lot happens in this pub but astro boy did try and make convo but like a true brit I turned and walked away. Next bar is Dirty dicks on Liverpool st so 100 drunk people some dressed as nurses and on really fat chick dressed as a bubble bee pile on to a bus heading for dicks(that sounds wrong) in here we have a beer and the bar’s special of sambucca I have the black sambucca we then get on the the topic of Russell Brand I’m not a huge fan of his but Lindsey and pria had seen him at the O2 the night before and was in a scene from his up coming film with Jack Black and P Diddy where jack hit the stage while Russell was changing into his film get up and Jack Black to the crowd that they will have to pretend there at a rock gig for the next 20 mins or so and they will be in the film. Lindsey wants to in her own words “fuck” Russell so I tell her he has the smallest cock in the world as most people would of seen the pics in the papers last week with him naked in OZ I pull it up on Google with the iPhone to the jibes of “you saved it you fucking perv” or “your so gay”. No one now wants to fuck Russell brands famous stick so we head outside for some sun the guys are already out there with a beer in there hands. We chat for a bit with Tim the tour man before we head off to the next bar the Railway tavern’s Engine room up stairs again Jaeger bomb and outside for sunshine. We hit up Macdonalds here for lunch before heading to the Loop this place had a very very nice cocktail made from strawberry’s and alcohol. It’s getting to that point where we are feeling the effects and we lose half the group on the way to the next bar On anon in Piccadilly Circus and again a jug of that sweet sweet cocktail goes down faster than Maria Fritzle at Christmas. The rest of the group still are lost so we head to Zoo bar in Leicester square and its a shit hole so after a Cosmo cock tail we head to good old Walkabout where the rest of our group are already at with AC/DC pumping out from the DJ booth and the fosters flowing its the end of the crawl and its only half 8pm we are drunk and my head is splitting from the music and shitty fosters I’ve been given so after the drinks people start to go and I could be happier. Any normal night I’d be out till the break of dawn but 10 hours of booze and no food maccays don’t count as food! I need water and bed. The tube was the loudest I’ve ever been on but that could have been my pumping head and the tube was normal.

Laura wanted to go for a curry I would love to write what I had said to her on her because it was so funny even if I say so my self but even Laura was laughing so it must have been. I hit the pain killers and cash in bed 10pm and night running I couldn’t be more hardcore if I tried! But with a copy of Yes Man on DVD for the next day of rest I’m more than content.

Sunday

We did nothing! Nothing at all we talked about going for a walk in the sun to the common but that didn’t happen we talked about getting the tube to the themes but that didn’t happen. In the end and after all the talking we got on the couch to read but all I did was put AC/DC on a rawk out with my self on the sofa. We put Yes man on after tea and I loved it I loved it so much I’m getting the book and all the other Danny Wallace books. And again bed at 10pm Laura’s back at school tomorrow (so much for going out for a drink at the comedy club)

Monday

I’m up at 8am Stu had txt me saying he had just seen the funniest thing he’s likely to see all day with a dwarf on a bike so I txt back with a little joke(no pun intended) and get up. Sugar puffs and a shower I’m now ready to hit up the shops on regents st before heading to hide park for some sunshine and crack on with writing some of the sitcom I’m working on even if I still don’t have an episode yet.

I’m off to see Wicked tomorrow it’s fantastic everyone tells me so I’m in for a good night and then I head back to Manchester on Wednesday morning. I don’t know I can do heavy weekend of drink in Lancaster so I hope my friend cancels on me but if he doesn’t then I’ll just have to cope.

Thanks for reading I do hope this was much much better than the last post I don’t think I’ll upload my iPhone notes without checking them 1^st from now on.

A week in the life of an iPhone

OK so last week i got myself an iPhone and from the Monday i wrote a note on it. It was just what ever was in my head at the time so its not edited or even very well wrote but there again i didn't do very well at English at school, if it makes sense then i hope you like if not I'm sure the world wont end and we can all go on and live our lives like nothing has happened.

On Sunday i saw a show at the Frog and Bucket in Manchester its a comedy club I've been to many times before but this time its a comedian I've never seen or watched any of his stuff from the last few years. I've known about him and Can remember a show he done with Stuart Lee in the mid 90's that i liked but was to young to enjoy. the man in question is Richard Herring and the show was 'The Headmaster's Son' you can find more out at www.richardherring.com and the show was about how Richard wants to blame his dad for the person he has become today and in his own words not mine

"a bit of a twat"

You see Richard's dad was the headmaster at his school and there for Richard blames his dad for him not being able to have a social life maybe other kids his age had because his dad was also the headmaster. At the end of the show and by this time i was crying a little bit through laughing to hard Richard leaves me with the single biggest grin I've had in a long long time. You see to wrap up the show Richard seems to realise it wasn't his dad that has made him the person he is today he would of always ended up there no matter who or what his dad was! It's nature not nerture as Richard puts it.

Now I've not got to my iPhone bit yet have i? well this is where it comes in. Richard Herring has a daily blog and has done for about 5 years now. He does it or should i say started it to try and counter act writers block and would do half an hours worth of blogging about the previous day. Well...this gave me an idea as i too want to be a comedian and writer even if I'm not the best writer i do have lots of idea's and if i can just get them down on paper or laptop as it is i can then maybe and that's a big maybe get to sit down with script writer's and start a sitcom and have better stuff to perform on stage with. Well i don't do exactly what Herring does i just don't have that much going on but for the last week i did write a little note each day with what i was thinking so I'll copy and paste them here and hope they are funny or at the very least interesting enough to past the day by if your board or in work which is the same thing to me.

MONDAY-I think I'm in love with a man and I hate a woman.

Rich herring I love, Emma I hate!
It's been a while since I last saw Chris he now looks like tony Blaire 
and plays basket ball, OK he's only been playing for a week but one 
thing hasn't changed and that's the fact he still drains the life and 
soul out of any person in ear shot. I left the pub early just so I 
wouldn't trip down the stairs on purpose to get his dreary mono toned 
voice out of my head.(lets get this right i don't like Chris that much he is a nice guy just mind numbing)

TUESDAY-Where's Franky Boyle when you need him?

We and when I say we I mean we the nation have lost the blow job 
giving bald racist Mrs jade goody. In one sense we don't have to put 
up with bad cancer jokes...GOODY!!! Or having to wait until she does 
drop but in another sense we won't get to hear some real good ones. 
That's is where Franky(find real name)Boyle comes in. He tells sick 
and a lot of the time damn right offencive jokes in his dead pan manor 
and always makes it funny and that's what we need in this war torn, 
money less, Austrian cellar, evil world. Why should we sit there 
crying into our hands over the death of jade goody when many many 
other people died on the same day and in the same weeks jade was 
dieing? They didn't have millions supporting them with loved ones 
taking there turn to look over the ill and still having to work or go 
shopping.

Cancer is a horrid condition and one I wish to never see again it 
turns loved ones into people you no longer know and puts massive 
strain on all the people around to poor basted with it.

So when someone says "isn't it ironic jade goody started to look like 
an egg and now she's in a box for Easter" don't get pissed off laugh 
and make damn sure sure nothing in this life gets you down. Lives too 
short people say, I say damn right!!!(a little rant, sorry)

WEDNESDAY-The only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head........or 

make it work for Tesco.(to think this is the only thing that entered my head on Wednesday)

THURSDAY-A glimmer of hope.

Today walking to the bus stop I missed the bus and had to leg it 
waving my arms like someone pretending to drown down the street and as 
the bus floated by I thought SHIT! But then it stopped it stopped for 
me it was a regular driver who I'd got to know over the last 2 years 
getting the bus to work and it was that small gesture that had made my 
day all ready and it was only 6:45am

Fast forward half an hour.

Now I'm in work and got a manager that' only happiness in life is 
misery and causing the people around her as much as she can, we also 
has a mardy bum driver and these 2 make a right pair together I'm now 
sat waiting in the back waiting for this "circle of depression" to 
swallow me whole. Let's hope I can find a joke in the smallest of 
things to keep me from depressed ville.

Will Wycliffe jean and Dwayne "the rock" Johnson's it doesn't matter 
help? Let's see.(turned out driver was cool)

FRIDAY-I can remember that august afternoon well.

Laura and i had just started seeing each other that day and i went 
round to her house. we started kissing on the sofa it wasn't a very 
nice kiss as I tell her some years after "her mouth was too wide" and 
"it was like kissing a fish" something we soon got over and now when 
we kiss it's like the earth stands still. Well there we are on the 
sofa fishing I mean kissing! And her mum walks in. I thought now 
what's going on her am I going to gang rapped by a mother daughter combo?

No! No I wasn't it turns out she has just got in from work, she was 
very sweet probably asked if I wanted something to eat...... Why do 
people do that? Soon as a fat person comes to there house they offer 
them food! And politely chubs says no thanks to make it look like your 
not so fat! Well there not blind they know you eat so say yes! I do! 
My grand Irish and if any of you know an Irish person they always want 
to feed you! She even rings my aunts to tell them I've been round and 
I've had some food!(I've kept the fish bit in even though I've had a telling off over it)

SATURDAY-Saturday shopping,

I don't know what it is with girls but they need new, no matter what 
the occasion new dress, new top, new bag. They have plenty of these 
items at home but it's that part of the brain only women have and 
that's the 'I must match' part.

Today though it's shoes we are looking for destination 
Angle(Islinton) north London and even though it's not particular busy 
I still have the urge to punch the slow moving parent with buggy in 
front if me.

We head into shop after shop until we hit next and there's a 2 day 
sale on! My god do my girlfriends eyes twinkle at the sight if a big 
red circle with the word sale wrote on it. She finds some shoes but 
forgets what size feet she has! How on earth can you not be the same 
size as last time??? So 4 pairs later she decided they don't fit 
because 5 are to small but 6 are too big, Que more shops and a drink 
at the slug even after the slug on our way to vue cinema we have to 
hit shops we didn't go in.

Cinema in London is a rip it's cost £19.50 just for tickets but at 
least the film was good and considering I hate Nick cage films Knowing 
was good and by the time you figure what's going to happen they chuck a 
twist in there that only the papers cab spoil now as they try not to 
give it away but also do by naming a key part to the final 20 Min's or 
so of the film.(couldn't they just of shut it down for me and Laura to shop. do they not know who we are?)

SUNDAY-Country western music.

I love the lyrics of country songs you can just put an accent on and 
talk about your woes

Eg. One more margarita was a bad idea
I got pissed up and shagged a dear.

In the car to London on Friday I spent 2 hours with a massive grin 
just because of these songs. To think just an hour before this we had 
Lenard Skynard and pink Floyd pumping though the cars speakers.

It's now the ride home and already we have had the country, Katie 
Perry and usher a dream team right there. We are now on a golden 
oldies CD Elton, midnight runners and others I don't know as they all 
ore date me. We are not even on the M6 yet so Twitter and facebook has 
been my companion in the back seat with one murry mint and a copy of 
the daily (labour bashers) mail.

But home is just 2 hours away I'd say so I might write a blog have an 
hour on the xbox and go bed. With work in the morning I don't think a 
late night will do me any good as a feel like I've not had any sleep 
with Being drunk for the last few nights.(long ass drive home with that playing where would you rather be?)

I didnt want it to be like this!!!

Its true I didn’t! I didn’t want to start my first blog on a rant but today started badly and didn’t get better.

Ok so this morning I wake up at 3am sweating and unable to breath because the heat in my house was intolerable. I’m not due to get up a good few hours for work so I head downstairs where my aunt and uncle lay asleep to turn the heating off. You see my aunt and uncle are from warmer climates than my self…Old Trafford! And down here in what can only be described as a chav hamlet they cannot cope with the sub zero temperatures and resort to killing of any chance of a draft or cold spot in the house with 30c heat all day everyday. I might sound ungrateful as they only charge penny’s to stay with them and she cooks my tea nearly every night but you imagine trying to sleep in a slow cooker with your excess fat dripping off you like your being Gorge Forman’d!

I find my phone with 3 text’s one was a real txt a friend replying to an earlier txt from me the other two are from my mate that must have been in the pub and txt me an inside joke of which I’m in so that lightens the mood as I txt back hoping to wake them at 3:30am only to discover one of them may still be awake, his feckin girlfriend is still online my rude awakening maybe ruined nooooooooooooooo!

Anyways I chat for a while with my dad on facebook a place no parent should be and if they are they shouldn’t be friends with there offspring or stalk there cute friends. Finally its now cool enough to sleep so sleep I go(them two are probably frozen by now)

I wake at 7am I feel good now this doesn’t happen on a Tuesday I always go to the pub on a Monday night and get tipsy if not drunk so I am always a tad hung-over not sick and bad head hung-over just 10 more minuets in bed hung-over well that’s what I say when I’m being woken by my alarm right up until its to late to even get clean uniform. Considering I had the broken sleep I am in a good mood even to the point where I want to go into work even though I hate Tuesdays to a point I want to sacrifice an O.A.P. Maybe I should tell you what I do Monday - Friday during the days. I work for Tesco a super market chain that has no problem in fuckin’ anyone over to get what it wants and now with the recession Tesco are cutting back on staff hours and the like so here I go yet one more 9 hour shift stood on the till of doom.

I do get lots of material off of our customers though and we do have some great character’s that come through them door’s that make me feel like a Jedi. For example today within half an hour of being there and old man saw that I was having trouble with some bags and couldn’t separate them he leans over the counter a yells “your not pulling it right!” I’m not being funny but the last thing I need is pulling techniques of a 80 year old man who cannot stand up straight on his own, maybe that’s how he ended up looking like he’s trying to blow him self off??? I don’t know I’m just guessing. I then get an old lady(you‘ll see the pattern of O.A.P‘s) from the retirement home talking to her self in the queue of her and only her. She’s taking into her purse saying things like”oooh I don’t know if I have any money” and “I would like some cheese” odd I know, then she looks right at me dead in the eye’s and say’s “what happens if I don’t have any money for this” so I said “you can‘t have it can you!” I get the death look and she shuffle’s up to me with a purse full of old dirty 1’s and 2’s and pay’s me with them a whole £4.99 worth!.

I wrote them 2 down because I have a crap memory for things like that and a lady saw me writing and asked what I was jotting on my peace of receipt paper and I reply “joke’s” jokes that come into my head and normally leave as fast as they come but I’m writing them down now so I can get some stand up material I said to her “these bits of paper with my jokes on will be worth thousands one day(in Zimbabwe)” and she let out a HAH not a well done you HAH it was don’t be so fucking stupid HAH like I’m only ever going to grace till 4 for the rest of my days on this spinning rock we call home.

The rest of the day passes by with a string of arsey customers until there was a beep not just small beep but a BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP it was all kicking off in Ashton on Mersey village a car was in the way and didn’t want to reverse oh no he even got out of his car gave an almighty tut like he had been given lessons from Mr Platt in Coronation street and as quick as it escalated into the worse row Ashton had ever seen it was over. You see Ashton is a place where feck all happens and the population of over 70 year old the only bit of fun you may see is the odd road rage and there’s no better road rage than middle class road rage it’s like nothing has happened but in everyone’s face you can see the blood boiling. Where I come from your likely to get a smack just for walking past someone’s car but not in sunny sale oh no not even a raised voice.

But of my 7 or so years I’ve been in sale nothing has reached to height of the night a taxi driver chased his middle class fare a round his cab with a knife while his fare was on the phone to the police with him shouting things like “this taxi man person is not the nicest of chap‘s” hahaha only in sale.

Anyways after work I head over to the bus stop and await my bus as you do. The last bus into Partington is 6:15ish and I’ve come to the conclusion that the early end to the buses is just like a curfew a cheap alternative to electronically tagging every Partonian and keeping them in the baron wastes of Partington an inaccessible town without means of transport and 5-6 mile away from any other town worthy of a shop non the less a bar! The people who escape at night time is either by walking or stolen car and in any case the one who walked are too tired and the one who stole car’s a too preoccupied with the police anyway to even bother committing any crime so the curfew works its just a shame I have to live with the one’s that are left and now shout at each other at the back of my house.

Right I think I’ll try and do a weekly blog try and get my writing juice’s flowing and maybe I’ll get better or I’ll not and give up.

Thanks for reading children 

Gaz